Almost Feels Like I'm on Vacation

I went into work and it almost felt like I was on vacation. This month is a 5 week month. Since I worked so hard over the last 4 weeks I don't have as much to do this week. Plus I know that John will be there to help out now. I had a lot of work to do today but I felt a lot more relaxed. Pete even brought in pizza so I got fed. I think it was just bribery *lol* Just kidding. I would hope my team knows that I can't be bought. We just joke about it. I have a great rapport with my team and they give me a lot of respect. So it was a great day at work! I'm hoping the rest of the week continues like that.

Little Bundle of Claws

I love Azrael... I really do. But there are definitely times when I think I should have had him declawed. He loves the attention but when he decides that enough is enough he goes into attack mode and then he becomes a little furrball with claws and teeth extended. I'm used to the teeth marks and scratches in my hand. But today I was lying down with him on the futon. It looked really cute. I almost wanted my camera... until he extended his claws and caught my face. Fortunately he didn't draw blood but there is a nice scratch right above my lip. It still hurts too. But I still love him... And I think that declawing cats is just cruel and unusual. I guess that begs the question of how to train him so he'll stop with these psychotic outbursts. I don't think I've ever had a cat that went on the attack like he does. Of course I also haven't had a cat live past the age of 3 but that's a whole other story. And one that makes me think I should be going with a different pet. Cats should have a longer life span.

Update: He was much better behaved last night. He stretched out on me and was just a big suck. Spent most of the evening like that. No claws in sight. He can be a good boy... just dual personalities at time. But I know Azrael doesn't actually want to hurt me.

The Basics

Suzanne reminded me of something earlier today... As long as you have heat and food on the table that's what is important. I'll be paying rent on Monday so I will continue to have heat here... well it would be even nicer if they fixed the thermostat but any ways. I have heat... So much so that I have the air conditioner on. But Suzanne was right. As long as you have the basics: Shelter, clothes, and food everything else is secondary. It's really easy to get caught up in the harsh reality of being behind in bills. I've been fighting this for months... I get caught up and then am immediately behind again... and when that is your focus it becomes all consuming. And it's really easy to put bills ahead of groceries in an attempt to stay afloat but there are some things tht just can't be sacrificed. So once again I have bills that are going to be late. I suppose the good news (if you want to call it that any ways) is that my credit can't possibly get any worse... short of a bankruptcy... thanks to my student loan. Looks like I'll be putting off the visit to the chiropractor and will be playing catch-up on the next pay cheque but I didn't sacrifice my house and home (or Azrael's either) in an effort to stay ahead of the bill collectors (which was a lost cause any ways).

I Made It

At the beginning of the month I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Pat was leaving which meant I was going to be picking up the slack. Sure we are supposed to work together as a team. I'm a little jaded though and I suspected I would largely be doing it all myself. I'm the kind of person that is just going to get it done and will step up to make sure it happens. But with me being on vacation at one point... and just with the sheer workload there were definitely times I had my doubt. It was easy enough just to get overwhelmed with the number of calls I had to listen to... let alone all the other job responsibilities I have: meetings, training, etc. But it's all about persevering... and even when it looked doubtful I just kept going. I don't know the meaning of the word failure. When I left tonight 97 out of 98 of the call evaluations had been done. There are other teams that haven't had the same struggle that aren't that close to meeting the mandate. Now you might be thinking I failed... but a) it wasn't my fault that evaluation wasn't done and b) it is a 5 week month so I will get it done on Monday or Tuesday. I'd say I have a lot to be proud of. I feel pretty good about it...

Of course now that it's over I am also pretty tired.... I don't think I realized just how much it took out of me until I got home tonight. All I wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. But I was going grocery shopping so I couldn't. Looks like tomorrow I am going to be KO'd and not doing much. Since I pushed myself really hard I wouldn't be surprised if there is a fibromyalgia flare up. I still don't do so well at pacing myself.

The important thing is that I can sleep tomorrow *lol* Well that and I really showed that I can do the job and won't crack under pressure. I always knew that I had a strong work ethic. The really good news is that it's no longer just me, myself and I either. As of Monday I will have help. And I have a lot of respect for the new Performance Coach. After all he's been a part of the team then longer then I have been and has been the go-to guy. It's looking up already :o)

Hell Has Been Upgraded to Purgatory

Finally there might be a bright spot in my life... maybe. I am trying not to be optimistic since when it comes to my student loan I just keep getting disappointed. I got a letter in the mail. It was a revision of terms. But, once again, they had screwed up. The revision of terms was for 172 months. Funny... since that is what they currently have me on. And the payments on the new revision were higher. How does that work? I increase the payments, still don't qualify for interest relief, and ultimately pay more... So I called to find out the status of my interest relief. They told me it had been declined (yet again) because I make too much money. For a difference of about $30 no less. But they still had not yet fixed the loan payment amount so I couldn't make as much as I should be able to. I asked about the revision of terms. A new one had been sent out today reflecting the 112 months. Even though I did not sign off on changing the terms my new loan payment amount will cost me about $30 more per month. Nothing quite like getting screwed again. Don't I at least get a kiss to go with this? It will wind up costing me something like $3200 more by the time it's paid off. I feel like I'm playing Monopoly except it's not "Bank Error in Your Favour"... It's "Government Error Not in Your Favour." Then they will finalize the terms and make a decision in 5-7 business days about my interest relief. I'm just hoping they make a decision before my next pay cheque... I really don't want any additional payments being made. But since I was only $30 off this time it should go through... And give me some peace... for a couple months any ways

Affordable Dental Care

I am really beginning to think that dental care should be more affordable. It would be really nice if it was free like the health care. But then with the issues getting quality health care maybe the goal should be affordable. To get half the dental work done that I needed cost approximately $2400. Now $2000 was paid for by the company but still. Right now I have a really bad cavity that will eventually become an infection if not treated. The problem is that I can't afford to get it fixed. Other bills have taken priority. But the pain is increasing and is causing other issues. More pain actually means I am grinding my teeth more and it is aggravating my TMJ. I have 100% coverage at work... but it only covers up to the fee guide (and not everything s covered). I can't afford the out of pocket costs. I know I need to get them fixed. But what am I supposed to do? Why is dental care so expensive? People keep telling me I need to get the work done... which is true. I really need to get the cavities filled. And I need to get a new mouthguard made. But unless I miraculously come up with about $400 to get the work done it's just not going to happen. I move for affordable dental care.

The Year Defined

Ever noticed a trend that seems to appear all year? Or something (maybe even a single event) that defines a year...

2002 was defined by school. It was the year I graduated from Western with my degree in psychology. Something I had my doubts about. There were certainly times when I did not think it was ever going to happen. But I did it. I graduated and got my BA (Hons.) I had a lot to be proud of. It wasn't all rosy since I did not have a job when I left school. But 7 months later I had a full time job that I have been at ever since.

2003 was defined by health. I had pneumonia, bronchitis 4x and then eventually the flu. I missed a lot of time at work as a result. The flu ended up defining a lot of things later on and shaped my life more then I ever thought it would. After all I am still fatigued. I may not be getting sick constantly like I was... but I am not 100%. All I want to do is sleep. Doctors don't seem to take that seriously either. I think because it takes a lot more work to identfy the underlying causes.

2004 was about decisions. I made the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I also made the decision to move in with Adam. Both of those were big decisions. And I still wonder if they were the right decisions. Now I have my student loans to pay for and didn't finish that degree. I was more relaxed when in school and had less stress in my life. As for Adam the relationship ended... so was it the right decision to move in? I'll never know.

2005 can be defined by relationships. Unfortunately, it was not a good year for them. There was the ending of my relationship with Adam and everything that went with that. My stalker took a renewed interest in me. I was raped by a coworker that I was considering a relationship with. And then there was the relationship with Tristan. He still owes me money... and my health and well being were threatened by the people he owed money to.

So far I would have to say that 2006 has been defined by finances. It started with my LOA. 7 weeks off work with no income. Needless to say it was a long, tough period. By the time I got money I was back to work. Shortly after I went back to work my battle with the student loan center began and has not ended. There has been no resolution there. Just more frustration.... stress... and being stretched to the limits. Despite what they seem to think there is no way to get blood from a stone.

Even though 2006 isn't quite over... I am already wondering what 2007 will bring with it. What will be the theme that defines the year?

How Did We Get Here?

I was thinking about this post and then was reminded of the song "Hallowe'en" from Rent. Even the title seems to be poetic... But here are the lyrics for it

Hallowe'en
Mark Cohen

How did we get here?
How the hell..pan left--close on the steeple of the church. How did I get here, how the hell?
Christmas! Christmas eve, last year. I could a night so frozen be so scalding hot? How can a morning this mild be so raw?
Why are entire years strewn on the cutting room floor of memory as single frames of one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3-D Imax of my mind. Thats poetic- thats pathetic.
Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door? and Collins choose that phone booth back where Angel
set up his drums. Why did Maureen's equiptment break down? Why am I the witness and when I capture it on film does it mean that its the end and I'm alone.

How did I get to this place? It's never the big decisions that end up changing your life... or at least they don't seem like big decisions at the time. Obviously it's a combination of factors and decisions. Me turning into a recluse is definitely related to a number of events... some small.. some huge. Money is obviously a big factor. But even beyond that... 3 years ago I had the flu and I'm not sure I ever really recovered from that. I was so sick I dropped to 70 pounds. It was after that I really started to battle the fatigue. Fatigue that stopped me from wanting to go out. I just wanted to sleep. Being sick also led to the decision to drop out of school and just work full time. I suppose I could say that was the turning point.

After that I was so tired that people started seeing me as anti-social... and then my relationship with Adam ended. Having your stalker as a roommate tends to create problems for your social life as well. I didn't want to go out because I was scared he would follow me out... or would take advantage of the intoxication. Being a victim of sexual assault also plays a role in that. It's safer to hide and be alone. There are no risks in that... And no one can hurt you.

I remember a time when I was social... out on the town every weekend. It was the one luxury I gave myself to keep myself sane. But now it's a far cry from that. I go to work... and I go home... And that's about it for my life. I can't even remember the last time I allowed myself a night on the time. Not that I can afford to at the moment... but I can't remember the last time I went out. I mean I've gone to Tammy's... and I went out to dinner with Pat. But that was it. The last time I went to the bar was almost a year ago when I was at the Christmas party for work.

I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I really should go back to the doctor about that. It's not normal to be this tired. I can't pinpoint one event... Is it just stress induced? Is it from the flu? Is it PTSD? Is it fear? What has led to this point? Ultimately, it leads to the question, "Why?" Why did this happen? Could I have done anything differently? Lastly, how do I change things?

Starvation Diet

I came to the conclusion today that a starvation diet was not a good idea. Okay so it's not like I didn't know that before. When I'm stressed I have a tendency not to eat. I also haven't been able to go grocery shopping. And then with work I have been too busy to eat. It's been pure insanity trying to get things done. By the time I finished work today I had a migraine. The headache is now gone but I can still feel it in my neck and shoulders. One of the many effects of stress.

It's not like it's getting any better either. Tomorrow is pay day. Normally that should bring with it a sigh of relief. I worked 52 hours one week and there was a holiday. However the extra still won't be enough. Rent has to come out of this pay cheque so I don't get evicted. And then I have to pay off all those bills that I was behind on. So I still won't be able to get groceries, or at least won't be able to get much.

It's a viscious cycle. I keep trying to get ahead but I'm not even breaking even. In fact I keep getting further and further behind. And once again I have to call the bank and have my loan payment delayed. All I want is to not have to wonder how the bills are going to be paid and the groceries bought. Is that so much to ask? And I'd really like to get off the starvation diet.

At a Loss

Today was a moment of clarity.... amidst the insanity. I got off work and my ride had bailed on me. I could've got another ride home had it not been for the chiropractor appointment. So then I had to walk to the chiropractors. And when I got there I couldn't afford to pay the bill. I'm behind again... 3 bills already behind, to the tune of about $150. But what Charlene said was to keep fighting and not give up. I thought about that all the way home. I couldn't even afford the $1.75 to catch the bus and go home. With the cold my fibromyalgia was flaring up. The last thing I wanted to do was walk home. How do you fight when there is nothing left? I've got nothing left to give... I have been fighting this since May and am down to my last out. If this appeal is denied then I am out of options. By that point I'll be 3 months behind and I will have defaulted on the loan. At that point I expect my student loan will also go to collections. There is no fight left. I've fought the good fight... I've tried every channel I know to get something done and still come up short. I'm just at a loss. What am I supposed to do?

Interest Relief Update

I decided to re-read the letter I got from the National Student Loan Centre after trying to get ahold of someone for the 4th time today. It seems they have been really busy all day. Yes they are reassessing my student loan but the date on it says July 24th. That was before my initial appeal. I already know that in June I made too much money because of the bi-annual incentive. There's no way around that one. So I want the interest relief from July. I have no idea if the assessment is for June, July, or another month altogether. Fortunately for me I have to call them any ways. I suspect it's on hold... but I might at least get some answers. Assuming I can get ahold of something and stop hearing the "We are currently experiencing a higher then normal call volume. You might want to try your call again later."

Update: They lied to me... the lines really weren't busy. I got through immediately. Of course I am currently on hold. Jesus Christ... they denied my interest relief again and still have not fixed my payment amount, in spite of the letter I got indicating they were reassessing the loan. What does it take to get past the red tpe and get my interest relief approved? I am on hold again while they contact someone else. Looks like that department was actually busy. They don't have an answer for me... Just call back in a few days. And by then my next payment is due for the Royal Bank. However, they have taken my August payment and put it towards July instead. But regardless I am still a month behind. And still have no answers. Now I have to call the Royal Bank and try and get them to hold yet another payment and pray that it gets resolved soon.

This has definitely become a nightmare... It began 5 months ago and there is still no end in sight. Just more and more frustration. I am officially in hell.

Update 2: I just had to call them back and as expected my interest relief is on hold. They could approve it or deny it... but supposedly it would take affect for August. They should have a decsion within 5 business days. But I've heard that before.

Pillow

I came to the conclusion earlier that Azrael makes a really good pillow. Well as long as he's not moving around any ways. H's nice and warm... kind of cozy actually. Reminded me of Cold Case from last night actually where the lead address was using her cat as a pillow. I just wouldn't recommend using your cat as a pillow for an extended period of time. A) They're likely to move and B) They won't be too happy. I just figured it was payback since he uses me as a pillow all the time.

Digital Cable: The Final Chapter

So I called the cable company today. Digital cable is about the same price as analog cable... It's just having the receiver that is more expensive. Either way I figured I'd see what they would do for me since I had to have 3 service calls and was not getting the channels I was paying for. They're giving me a credit for the rental of the cable box. $20 + tax is still better then paying full price. It's not like I really missed all that much when it wasn't working. I do have PVR after all. So I was just recordin the shows any ways. There were only a couple of shows I missed out on. And I got a credit for the UFC fight as well since it wasn't crystal clear. So all in all I got about $70 in credits for the experience. And now my cable is back. So it's all good. Hopefully no more service calls in the near future.

False Hope

I got a letter in the mail today about my student loan. Since I did not sign the revision of terms (And how many times have I said that now?) they are reassessing my application for interest relief from July. No apology or anything useful... just a statement that they are reassessing it. And if it is not approved then I will still have an outstanding payment. But now I am back to limbo as well. I have decided I would rather have no hope at all then false hope. Don't get my hopes up just to destroy them. That letter just added to my frustration over the whole thing. I had given up on getting that approved and was trying to reapply. Now it seems like everything is on hold. And the more I fight it the more I end up behind. It's a lose/lose situation. I can't posily win. Don't give me hope... just give me an answer.

Ways to Avoid Paying a Student Loan

Since my student loan has become a real nightmare I am now having dreams of ways to avoid making payments on my student loan. If I went on another LOA at work my income would automatically fally below what I am allowed to work. Of course I wouldn't be able to pay bills either. So I guess that one is out. I could move out of the country. It would only cost me about $50 (and 6 months) to get the right of abode to live and work in Britain. That one is starting to sound more and more appealing. If I was in prison I wouldn't have to worry about the accomodations or paying off my student loan. In fact I could work on another degree for free. I can't include bankrupcy on that list. They changed the law so that student loans were exempt. In 2014 I can apply for bankrupcy and then it will take the student loan with it. Sadly, the best advice I had was to go back to school. Now for people with a loan with their bank supposedly if you take just one course then you qualify for interest relief. However, I looked into it and with the student loan center you have to be a full time student. I really don't want to add to my debt load. Besides they actually make it so you can't be a professional student. They even have a limit as to how long you can be on interest relief while in school. After 340 weeks you are SOL. At that point you have to start paying it back... even if you are still in school. From what I could figure that's about 6.5 years. I guess you're screwed if you are doing your PhD. So I guess I am going to have to keep dreaming up ways to avoid it... or hey maybe they'll just approve the interest relief and then I'll have a little breathing room... well for a couple of months any ways.

Getting the Government Involved

A friend of mine told me not that long ago that if I contacted the MP in Peterborough I would get the interest relief approved on the grounds that I am in a low income job. Initially I was holding off since I thought my application for interest relief would be approved before the payment was taken out by the Royal Bank. And then I would just be getting someone else involved needlessly. But as soon as that payment was taken out I started work on a letter to the MP. In it I discussed the fact 10% of people that graduated the same year I did have already defaulted on their loans, broke down where my pay cheque goes, and included copies of the letter that said "rent payments, cable TV, and credit cards" can not be used to appeal the decision. Now the last two I understand... but obviously they are not taking the cost of living into consideration. Maybe it's just me but they should not be allowed to bankrupt you or cause you to be homeless so they can get their money. I want to be able to pay off my loan... I just can't. I didn't stop at the MP though. I also made a copy for the MPP, the minister of education, and the premier. I don't expect Dalton McGuinty to do anything for me... In fact I have my doubts that he will even see it. But at least I am being proactive and exploring every possible avenue to achieve some sort of resolution.

Digital Cable

So the cable guy was back out today.... Well I guess I can't really say he was "back out" since it was a different guy. He was here for about an hour, when the average service call is about 35 minutes. He checked all the lines and ended up putting an amplifier on the line to boost the signal. So far so good. We'll see in a few days if I am still getting all the channels. For once Azrael was not sleeping on the cable box. Normally Azrael is not all that social except with me. He won't visit other people. But when the cable guy was here he was being much more social. He was even pawing at the tools hanging on his belt. It's funny because the only other person that Azrael will visit is Adam. Otherwise he is just a mama's boy. Maybe I should've found out if the cable guy was single *lol* I do know he likes Nascar, went to the race in Michigan, plays hockey and is a volunteer firefighter. What can I say he was here for an hour. But hey the digital cable is working again. And tomorrow I am going to be calling Cogeco about getting a credit on my account. So that is some good news. It's working... and I will get some money back since I've been paying for digital cable and haven't been getting it.

Tears of Frustration

I think everything is catching up with me. When it rains it pours and it has just been one thing after another. Everyone has a breaking point where they just can't take any more. My issues with the cable are relatively minor but when you add that to everything else that has been going on it just compounds the frustration.

Issues at work are a little more serious. Let's recap how it works... My team has 24 agents currently. Normally there are 2 performance coaches on a team. We do the call evaluations (one per agent per week), answer questions, training sessions, team meetings, trend analyses, etc. Translation: We do a lot of work. Oh and we also take calls for 3 hours a day. So with only one person doing that job it is extremely difficult. My team manager sent out an email telling the agents not to ask me questions.. but that doesn't seem to stop some of them. Some agents are really good at making my job easy.... and others are a pain in the ass. I don't have time to baby sit them. So if I am there the entire week and work extremely hard I somehow manage to get it done. After all I asked for help and didn't get it. I was on vacation at the beginning of this week. And I told the quality manager the issues I was having. She called an emergency meeting to discuss things... since the teams are not all the same. Some have a much smaller number. Everyone agreed that they would help out. I went on vacation and when I came back only one of my agents had been listened to. Two agents had been missed for the week, which quickly turned into three. I just about lost it when I came back into work. They told me the work would be done... that I didn't have anything to worry about. My agents knew no one had filled in. It did not demonstrate teamwork very well. In total 4 evaluations were not done this week. As a team that means our mandate was not met. Now we get a pass since I did everything possible to get it covered and it didn't get done. But overall it's not me that gets penalized. It's the agents. This is their time for coaching. It is when we listen to the calls that we might notice trends and be able to give pointers. It's also a chance to let them know what they're doing well. This week witll be more of the same. I'm just going under the assumption that I am doing it all myself and am planning the week accordingly. It's going to be difficult since I have meetings on 2 of those days but I'll do whatever I need to in order to get things done.

The big one is obviously my student loan. I was just going to say finances... but it was not for my student loan and my ongoing battle with the national student loan center financially I would be okay. Since it has taken so long for them to make a decision the Royal Bank took out my payment. As a result I am about to bounce a $25 payment... which will end up costing me $75. With $6 in my bank account there is nothing I can do about it. But it is definitely frustrating. Had they not taken the payment I would've ben fine. Their inefficiencies and incompetencies just keeps costing me more and more money unecessarily. Plus this week I have a chiropractor appointment and don't have the money to pay for it. So I got caught up on bills only to be put back into the red. Is it ever going to end? After 5 months of fighting the student loan center I am not sure how much more I can take. I feel like I am backed into a corner with no way out. Talk about frustration.

Should Have Called in Sick

I knew I should've called in sick this morning. I didn't get much sleep last night and wasn't feeling well this morning. I think the heat in the apartment is getting to me. It makes it hard to breathe at times. But I knew Amy was going to be there waiting for me. So I hauled my ass into work. I'm still not sure if that was the best idea... I got to work and then had to weed through all my emails. But even before that I opened the coaching planner to see how much help other people had helped out. Apparently that was a mistake. In 4 days one evaluation was done. Since our team has 23 people (I think) and each person is supposed to be listened to once a week (unless sick or on vacation) that's not a good thing. I went looking for our quality manager to see what she recommended since there was no way that mandate was going to be met. Plus two of my agents were gone for the remainder of the week. Couldn't find her so I started taking calls like I normally do. My manager came in at 10:00 and by about 10:30 I was taken off the phones. After all I had other work that needed to be done, not just the evaluations. But I was already stressed about it. At 2:00 all the managers had a meeting. Partway through there were suddenly a LOT of volunteers helping out. It was like they had the fear of God (or maybe just of their job) instilled in them. But I still ended up doing 6 evaluations today. That is a great deal of work. They are pretty time consuming. Plus I have a new agent on my team that asks a lot of questions. At 5:30... just when I thought I was done work and could leave... one of my agents was raising his voice at a customer and talking down to them. So then I had to log into their phone and listen. I never enjoy that. Finally was able to log out but didn't have a ride home. I ended up being at work 45 minutes late and then was able to get a ride home. It was a long day and I m still wondering if I shouldn't have just called in sick and gone back to bed this morning.

150 Days

Today is officially day number 150 without nicotine. So that means I have been a non-smoker for 5 months now. I am impressed by that fact. There have been a lot of temptations and a lot of stress. There are quite a few people that are shocked I haven't gone back to it. But I haven't. I take it one day at a time and so far it's working... Hopefully I actually have money when I hit the 6 month mark so I can actually celebrate that milestone. Of course the only time I even really think about it is when I am with someone that is smoking... or when I see an agent going out for a smoke. Overall, this might have been the easiest time I've had quitting. But I know from past exerience that all it takes is one overwhelming stressor to go back to it. Day by day... it's all you can do.

Time Off

Aside from the whole student loan situation I am enjoying my time off work. It's nice to actually relax. Of course the best part is being able to stay in my PJs. The only downside has been the fact I am still chained to my computer. Granted this time it's by choice... but still. I am amazed at just how much time I can lose to the internet... to email... to games... and also to those applications designed to make my life easier and more productive. Having a portable computer makes it even more difficult. Now I never seem to get away. And I always have one more thing that I could do... some new presentation I could work on.... A video I could be editing... etc. I kep telling myself I am going to just put it away and enjoy some time to myself... but it doesn't happen. Azrael does a good job of getting me to relax by curling up on the keyboard or on my lap. It's his subtle hint to take a break. It's also because he is kind of needy. Thursday I am back to work but I am on days and not working extended hours... so it won't be too bad. Then in a month I have another vacation. It's all about capitalizing the days off.

So It Begins Again

Just when you think you just might be getting ahead... I finally had my bills caught up, except one but that was an oversight. And then the Royal Bank got ahold of my account. I applied for interest relief towards the end of September. Someone want to explain why it takes so long for that to be decided? I called the student loan center yet again and they just got the information from the Royal Bank. I was told to call back on Friday to find out if it had been approved. Assuming that it is (And after fighting them for 5 months I'm not assuming anything) then it will take another 3 weeks to get the money back from the bank. I'd like to say that then I have 6 months of peace and quiet. But since it takes so long for them to decide it's more like 4 months. No wonder my stress level is so high. Ever since I had to start applying for interest relief it has been an ongoing struggle and it's always in the back of my mind. And until I get my interest relief approved I am now behind the 8 ball again. Upcoming bill payments and no money to pay them with. I just cannot seem to get anything started. It's like rubbing 2 sticks together and trying to start a fire. I could put in some OT again this week but I really don't want to. It takes such a toll on you. Is this ever going to end?

Forgiven

After my weekend away I think Azrael has finally forgiven me. When I got home he had taken a piece off one of his toys and I had to put that back together. He had also utterly destroyed the roll of paper towel. That was all over the kitchen. Azrael is not used to me being away overnight. It happens so infrequently. As soon as I came back he was all over me... And was following me around the apartment. He is finally being a little more independant and is not hanging off me. Regardless he is still my baby. And sadly it is tough for me to leave him overnight... But it is nice to know I have been forgiven and everything is back to normal. Of course he can't figure out why I am home now since I am on vacation... and just as he gets used to that I will be back to work.

More Cable Problems

Some days it really sucks that cable companies have such a monopoly. I can't get satellite where I am because my apartment is on the wrong side of the building. But digital cable is not turning out to be all it's cracked up to be. Supposed to be this amazing quality, crystal clear and you get all kinds of channels. It worked fine in my last apartment. But I've had nothing but problems since I moved in. At first I didn't think much of it since I could just record the shows I wanted to. Then it got progressively worse. They sent a technician out to the house back at the end of August and almost 2 months later it still hasn't been fixed properly. And each time they send someone out that means that I have to be home... so now I have to give up my days off to wait around for them to show up. Not to mention the fact the first guy was supposed to come back with an amplifier and never showed up again. I still don't have the amplifier. According to the diagnostics from the receiver the signal loss is huge, and that's for the channels that I am getting. I did find out what happens when a sporting event is blacked out. Rather then give you an error message it just freezes the image of the previous channel. So a) I am not getting my digital channels, b) I have to make sure I am available on Sunday when they send the technician out, and c) I am paying for digital cable and am not getting what I paid for. Guess it's about time I call the billing support for Cogeco cable and have a few words with them. See what type of compensation I can get for my troubles.

UFC 64

So this weekend was UFC 64. It was a nice way to kick off my vacation. I must admit I was pretty tired leaving work on Friday. 12.5 hour shifts are long... and they really tax you. I spent half of Friday trying to stay awake. Then when I left work I went to Tammy's for the weekend. I was there for the UFC fight. There were some good fights on the card. In fact the only one that was a dsiappointment was the title fight between Franklin and Silva. For one, I didn't think that Silva had earned the right to have a title shot. But then Franklin just didn't look himself. Finished in the first round. The Sean Sherk vs Kenny Florian was a really good fight.

What I find even more interesting is that I always get a good night sleep when I am over at Tammy's. I'm usually still tired... but a) I get up earlier then I do at home and b) I'm not nearly as groggy. I find that really weird. I spent $1000 on my mattress and still don't feel rested. I just find that kind of odd.

It was a nice relaxing weekend though... It's always nice to get away every once in a while. I get so used to my routine and being alone that I forget to have a life every once in a while. Ever since the fall of last year when everything just sort of went to hell... I've been pretty solitary. Keeps me out of trouble at least.

Never Enough to Go Around

I got paid on Friday and was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. I was supposed to receive a letter in the mail about my student loan this week and never did. So I am still a little stressed about that. But I was able to get caught up on my bills. So Friday was a good day. But there is never enough to go around. The tax man liked my pay cheque as well. I got 65% of my gross pay. It would have been 80% if not for my pension plan. So, like always, there are always more things I would like to spend my money on then actual money. But I think that is the way it goes for everyone... unless they have a virtually limitless supply of cash. I'm just happy the bills are caught up now... and hopefully my interest relief finally gets approved... It's only been a fight since May. I'm hoping I find out in the next couple of days so that I can finally put it to rest.. for a few months any ways. I'd also really like them to stop taking money out of my account. That would be nice. The good news is that as long as my interest relief has gone through then I am back on track... and can stop talking how broke I am and how I can't pay bills.

One More Day

Just one more day... I still don't know about my application for interest relief but in 9 hours I will finally have money again. :o) The overtime hours are paying off... literally. Sure most of it will be used to pay off bills but at least I know I will be back on track. Now I just have to figure out how to maximize the spending potential. I don't think I'll have enough to get the dental work done... but maybe on the next pay cheque.

I would celebrate if I wasn't so tired right now... too many long shifts. And I still have one more to get through. I get home, have dinner, and it's pretty much time for bed. Tomorrow night I am heading over to a friends for the weekend. The next UFC event is this weekend so I'll be watching it at Tammy's. It's a nice way to begin the vacation although I am so tired right now I would probably be just as happy to be at home passed out.

I am going to miss my little buddy while I'm gone. Azrael has been my therapist... and my comforter. He has been a huge suck the last couple of nights. It's nice to come home and be greeted. It's also nice when he curls up with me. I know I am not going away that long but still.

Almost the End

I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like the nightmare might almost be over. Of course this is still assuming that my application for interest relief is finally approved. I should find out at some point this week. And if it goes through then I will be getting caught up on my bills. I'm also seeing the end of my long hours as well... and am looking forward to that. I could really use the sleep. I could also use the vacation that comes at the end of that.

But the hits just keep on coming. Today I bounced a payment to Dell. It's the downside to automatic payments... I have a tendency to forget about them. I decided to pick up a few groceries so I could make lunch... and wound up not having enough to cover the payment. Right after they took out the payment then I got the money back from the chiropractor. Unfortunately for me I think it was too little too late. It was also partially because the bank was closed on Monday with the holiday. So the $25 payment is about to become a $75 payment. *Sigh* Not exactly what I wanted.

Have I mentioned it really is an emotional rollercoaster? Just when I think I'm getting ahead something happens. I would really like to finish getting my dental work done as well. I still have a chipped tooth and it's becoming more and more painful. At this point I would just like to have the tooth removed... or get the cavities filled. But it's not exactly cheap... even with the 100% coverage from work. I got a lot of the work done before, just not the upper right hand side. So somehow... when I get done bringing my bills up to date I also have to pay the $200-$300 to the dentist. It's a never ending cycle. I guess that's why they say no matter how much you make it will never be enough.

Company Pool

Now I am sure a few people saw the title and think that they would love to work for a company that has a pool... Come to think of it that would be really nice.... not just a discount on a fitness plan... but an actual membership. Any ways... I was actually thinking today about a comment a former manager made. We were at an "off site" meeting (AKA a meeting at Kelsey's on the companys dime... complete with alcohol... might be related to the reason they are no longer a manager) when the manager said, "Don't swim in the company pool." What she was referring to was dating co-workers. I'm not sure why I was even thinking about that today. But it was reminding me of the six degrees of separation. There are way too many associations around that place. Now if you just went with team leaders and team changes then it would be way too easy. But if you look at relationships (or one night stands for that matter) it's still pretty scary. I remember when I started there and my mentor said that the average was to be with 3 co-workers. The company has grown since then... Obviously some people are married or were in relationships before they started working here... but then there are others that have more then met the average. Sometimes it really feels like high school. Maybe I can recapture my youth *lol* Maybe tomorrow when I am on calls I'll start connecting the dots and play the Six Degrees of Minacs Game.... Things you do when you're bored.

Wish List

Remember when you were a kid and you came up with a wish list every year in time for Christmas? The Sears Wish Book was the best thing ever.... I know my birthday is over a month away... but I need something to give me hope. I've come to the conclusion that you need something to focus on... other then just paying bills. You always need to be able to treat yourself to something. That's what gives you hope. Right around the same time as my birthday though I'll also be celebrating the fact I'll be nicotine free for six months (November 17th). I still take that one day at a time though since I've made it this long before and then went back to it. And there are times I am tempted. But here is the current wish list... just for entertainment value.

Criminal Minds (Season 1)
CSI Miami (Season 4)
CSI Las Vegas (Season 6)
James Bond Ultimate Collection (4 Volumes)

Now I know I should be able to afford the first three.... but the last one is going to cost me a fair chunk of change. Granted in total it's 40 disks but to get them all will cost me about $340. Still... that is only $17 per movie so it's not bad... but still... shelling out that kind of money at one time isn't quite so nice. But since it's 4 volumes it's not like I have to buy them all at once. And 2 volumes are being released at the beginning of November and the other 2 at the beginning of December. So they are somewhat spaced out. But hey it's my wish list...

Side Effects of Stress

Stress has all kinds of negative side effects. There are the long term effects like heart disease. But there are also the more immediate effects of low back pain, and pain in the neck and shoulders. I'm really feeling those effects right now. Fortunately I am back to the chiropractor on Tuesday. It's been three weeks since I was there last... normally it's every other week. So I am really feeling it.

The more stress I feel the more the more I clench my teeth as well. It's an unconscious response to the stress. The problem is that when you bite down you use a great deal of force. It wears down the teeth and it causes a great deal of pain. When I open my jaw I can hear it pop. I used to have a mouth guard to prevent the TMJ from acting up but it broke a little while ago. I can't get a new one made until a) the cavities are all filled and b) I have the $300 it costs to get one made. Too bad most of the treatment for TMJ is done through dentists... so it ends up being pretty expensive. But the pain is agonizing.

I'm not sure if it is related but I am also experiencing a great deal of sinus pressure. I feel like I am fighting an ear infection or something. That's the downside to chraniofacial pain... It's all connected and since it radiates it's hard to find the source. I tried applying ice but it did not make a difference.

I really should go see my doctor but it's not exactly that easy to go to Pickering. I've been working Monday to Friday for quite a while now. Plus there is the cost of getting there and back. It's been almost 5 months since I saw the doctor... The last time I was there he was referring me to the hematologist. At that point in time he thought I was going to need a bone marrow biopsy. It all started with the rheumatologist... who has already said he won't treat Fibromyalgia because it's too common... Maybe Dr. McLean will send me to Mount Sinai since they have an entire treatment team for both TMJ and for Fibromyalgia. But then I have to be able to get to Toronto for treatment. I am not sure I like that option either. The downside to not having a local doctor. You tend to put off getting treatment unless you absolutely need it.

Holiday Weekend

Time for another holiday weekend. A time when most people are spending time with family. I am sort of wishing that I was getting some turkey... or at least a home cooked meal. I'll rephrase that.. a home cooked meal that I wasn't cooking. But then the starvation diet isn't working so well. Before you ask it's not that I am intentionally choosing to starve myself. I am just so fatigued when I get home that I dont want to cook anything. I can barely eat what I do make. I'm also still broke so I can't afford to buy groceries... 7 more days and I'll be back on track :o)

As for the holiday weekend... I'm back in to work tomorrow. Sunday I am off and the technician for the cable company should be here to fix my digital cable. Monday it's back to work. I'm going to be there from open until close... 12.5 hours. The good news is that I am on hourly wages. So $35.38/hr. Making $406 in one day actually makes it worth being there for so long.

Needless to say it's not really a holiday for me. I only have one day off and will likely be sleeping for most of it. Or at least will be taking it easy and just trying to unwind.

Overtime

Looks like I just might squeak by and avoid filing for bankrupcy after all. It's contingent on the National Student Loans Center getting something right. I have reapplied for interest relief but in order to be approved they still have to fix my loan payment... something they have been unable to do so far. So I am only cautiously optimistic. It's great that I might be able to get caught up. The downside is that it means working 55 hours a week. Last week I worked 48 hours, spread out over 6 days. Had one day off and then have been working longer shifts all week. Once again it's a 6 day work week. Next week 12.5 hour days. About the only thing that keeps me going is the fact I'll have 5 days off at the end. It's pretty tiring though. A lot of mixed emotions there too. Happy that I should be able to get my bills caught up... but discouraged that for all the extra hours I am putting in it's to catch up... and doesn't mean that I'll have spending cash or be getting ahead. Counting down the days until I am on vacation... 8 days to go :o)

Life Lessons

I was just watching Law and Order: SVU. Sure it can hit close to home... but I remember that it's just a TV show and is just drama. But tonight's epsiode had a couple of lines that really had an impact. So I thought I'd share...

"How can I ever repay you?"
"Move on. Live your life. Don't lock yourself away like I did."

It's so easy to hang on to the past and get stuck in it. Days turn into weeks... which turns into months... and then years... It doesn't take long before you are stuck in the past. It becomes consuming and you're no longer living your life. You are a prisoner and never get free. Doesn't mean it's easy to let it go but in order to live your life you do need to move on from whatever is holding you back.

PDA

Don't worry I didn't decide to wash the new one... or destroy it in any way *lol* Actually I just plugged in my old one. It was working just fine... as long as it was connected to power any ways. So it looks like it has now dried out. All I need to do now is replace the battery on it. Then we'll see. Not that I have any use for 2 but it would be nice to know that it still works. Especially since I am still paying for it.

Validation

Ever notice that we shrug off comments made by other people... but when it comes from someone that truly understands where you are coming from it makes a huge difference. You really feel validated then for feeling the way you do. I have had a number of people tell me I was courageous for going to the police and for pressing charges against Mike. But it was a long, drawn out process and ultimately the charges were dropped. For as much as people said I did the right thing I had lost that sense of justice and was beginning to wonder if I did the right thing. In fact I was thinking there was no right answer... There was just pain and more pain. But I got a reply on my blog that reminded me I am not alone. Every 2.5 minutes someone is raped. 65% are never reported. That is scary. But when they said I was brave for reporting it I suddenly felt validated. No it wasn't the outcome I would've liked to have seen but I can hold my head high. I didn't let him get way with it. I did everything I could and I would've seen it through. There was no fairty tale ending to the story but there were some valuable life lessons... including one in making a stand even when you are all alone.

What Exactly Is Their Job Description?

In a perfect world my interest relief would've been approved and I would've got back the $800. Or maybe that was just a dream I was having... I finally gave up on that little quest. I am back to reapplying for interest relief.

But there is something I just can't figure out. A long time ago I asked them to reduce my payments. I never ended up authorizing it and didn't realize that they had actually reduced it. Then it ended up costing me. The lower the payments the lower the amount of money I can make. So that would be why my dream turned out to be a nightmare. I called and asked them to adjust it. I was told they were going to. Then my interest relief application was denied again. They still didn't adjust it. All they put on my file is that there was a "dispute over the loan payment amount." Now I never authorized the reduction... and have now tried to get them to increase the payment 3x and have even documented it... but somehow they can't seem to do it.

Makes me wonder what these people do.... I'm starting to think I want their job. Make everyone else's life hell and not do anything. And since it's a government job I expect the wages and benefits are good. My only question... what is their job description?

Glimmer of Hope

Finally some good news amidst the financial nightmare. It may not be earth shattering... but it's still something positive. Mike finally quit. So if he shows up at work then I can probably have him charged for breaking the peace bond. Work was excluded before but since he no longer works there... It was rough seeing him every time I had to photocopy something, go to the printer, or even go to the bathroom. He was in my line of sight each time. It was a painful reminder... not like I ever forget. So it may not be much but it is something positive. I am a little more relaxed at work. It's a small glimmer of hope.